The Slowest Form of Suicide

Havent written in a while and i was wondering why. I recognized that it was because i havent been going out much. I spent about two weeks in my house without doing anything social, a small hibernation you could call it. Especially for me because ive gone out just about every weekend for four months. It was nice to have my feet on solid ground for a while i will admit. I appreciated the time away. But back to the topic. This is going to be personal.

The slowest form of suicide: Love.

I believe Ive mastered the ins and outs of all emotions/feelings except love. I believe this is because all other emotions/feelings are logically based. Meaning in sound mind one can distinguish the reasoning behind someone feeling angry, sad happy etc. But love is different, its more intricate. It can make you laugh and cry, its the only (im just going to call it "thing" because i dont know what to classify it as) thing ive seen change people not simply on the surface but alter their very core and change who they are at the source. Now what scares me about love is that something this powerful isnt controlled by either party. You have no say in who you fall in love with. Love chooses you, and once it has, its power renders you powerless. This is the precipice ive reached. Ive been involved with a girl for a little, nothings on paper. But every time i spend time with her she reveals qualities i wasnt aware were important to me. Qualities that make her very attractive to me. With her theres no doubt of authenticity. She has a sense of innocence, which is amplified by kindness. yet when the time is right she frees herself of her inhibitions. She doesnt do so in the presence of everyone she meets, which reveals to me that she trusts me. Since she's willing to reveal a side of which all arent aware it is effortless for me to reciprocate my true self to her. I trust her entirely i would loan her any of my prized possessions because i believe she'd recognize how important they were and treat them accordingly. My true personality has recently emerged, therfore she sees me for who i am. She has no preconceived notions about me, she's unaware of the mistakes ive made along my evolutionary road. She only sees my present and my future and she accepts both completely. She told me she admires the very traits ive been working to develop, the things that make me unique. No one has ever told me theyve admired me Ive been complimented on my looks, my vocabulary, my fashion sense. Those are important to her, but she recognizes theres more to me than those. She told me she appreciates the way I view the world, my general outlook on life, the way i rationalize certain aspects of life that others fail to. I feel each time im with her no matter the duration of the exchange, the rate she absorbs an additional piece of my personality and tendencies are 100% efficient. No word or statement is deemed insignificant. If i say something in good fun but she doesnt recognize the underlying message, the very next time i say something similar she comprehends it entirely. If we're in the car and a song i begin to sing along with comes on, she gains a better idea of my taste and puts on a song she believes ill enjoy similar to the one that proceeded it. She has yet to be incorrect. We mesh well together. She prefers not to say things blatantly, thus she'll release a seemingly small statement with a larger idea behind it because she recognizes the deapth of my speech analysis and that ill recognize the grand idea behind the smaller statement. Ive never had this kind of experience with a girl. Ive been with girls i wasnt certain i liked and others whom i did yet at a lesser degree than i anticipated. I searched to find ideosyncracies i dislike and focus solely on them. Ive began to stop doing so. Ive reluctantly done it with her, though my search for flaws has been unsuccessful. Im completely satisfied. Shes entirely good, she wouldnt hurt anything or anyone intentionally. The only negative aspect lies within me. Someone who ive rightfully conveyed to be close to perfect for me, deserves the best me everyday, without fail. And im not there yet. Ive improved immensely but im not finished. Im not entirely myself yet, im close, i can feel it more and more each day but im not there yet. I refuse to present her with anything other than my maximum potential. Presenting anything otherwise would be disrespectful. We feel rather strongly for each other, and i dont think its right for me to make her wait for me..to finish becoming me. However, I wonder, what if she's what i need to bring me to that finish line? Ive made this transformation solely thus far. What if a companion is needed to help me finish the journey. Hell i said i trust her and i do. Our experiences are unlike anything ive ever had with anyone. If a companion, a partner, is necessary then shes is that. I dont know if im in love with her, but im certain i love her. Ive shared jokes, secrets, memories, realizations, tears and laughs with her.

So if this is the slowest form of suicide...I'll still die laughing.




It'll find you
Ds&Ps