Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My Take on Facebook

A rather obvious topic of discussion. Sitting at my desk savoring my ideal writing scenario the topic seemingly dropped from my ceiling, bounced off of my head and fell a top my key board. Here's a topic Ive discussed in moderate detail with friends of mine but never to the degree which i would have liked and never addressing the bigger theme it presents. Well..thats the purpose of this page.

Allow me to login..

Its what we follow beyond daily. The most efficient avenue to remain socially informed. With up to the second updates, viewing both alluring and unappealing information are inevitable. We all want to see pictures of our friend's trip to Europe. A high school video-chat conversation..not so much. But thats what facebook is..a program for everyone. For some its a well placed "poke" to get the attention of another. For others its a way to stay in touch with friends we're able to see only certain parts of the year. A melting pot of ages races and every demographic reality. Because on the surface our "friends" only show us what they want us to see. They're tagged in photographs that depict them as fun-loving, attractive and social. Photographs that project the persona they're striving to present. People aren't tagged in photographs when: they first get out of bed, they had a little too much fun at a social outing, they're doing something embarrassing, or even something bad. We (the facebook community) see what we want us to see. I particularly find that fact terrifying. That people have complete control over the exposure of the factors which determine how they're perceived. Facebook is a fantasy land. If one wants: to appear intelligent they can say their favorite books are "war and peace" and "the tipping point", to appear informed their favorite shows could be "anything on cnn" and "sportscenter." One's page depicts any role one wishes to play. To the extent of a relationship with another appearing of greater caliber than in reality. The fact of total control is not solely terrifying, its available on online dating sites. But those have something that facebook doesn't, doubt. People recognize others may dramatize their youth, physical attributes and salaries for the sake of attracting a mate. Doubt is non-existent on facebook. The general community trusts it, believes in it. If something appears on facebook its basis enough for its possible or actual occurrence. The most far fetched relationships seem possible when the heart icon appears upon a news feed. Just as everyone is shocked or pleased upon viewing the broken heart icon. Facebook is powerful. The power to turn two people against each other. For whenever one acts or presents evidence that conflicts the with the persona another is attempting to project, conflict arises.
The makers of facebook know how seriously the users take the program and how much time we spend on it and have developed brilliant ways to make it easier for us to stay logged in. The applications, the surveys, the fan pages, all accoutrement of a simpler grander idea. People love people. What two websites have had the largest growth in the last 5 years? Facebook and Youtube. What do they have in common? A simple premise, they're user fueled, Youtube is nothing but people watching videos other people posted. Facebook is nothing but following people's lives on what now is a momentary scale full of depictions of their events. People watching people. This is what the makers of these sites learned from reality shows. They projected the same response being the first big people watching people websites (after viewing the mistakes their predecessors made) that the first season of survivor received as television's first reality show. The human race likes to be considered as so unfathomably complex, yes its correct in some areas. But when it comes to what entertains us, what genuinely interests us, it is what other human beings are doing, how they live, who they're doing it with, what they're thinking. That in a way shows how self absorbed/curious we are, because we're what we want to know most about, we're what we're interested in. But I digress. If facebook is so simple and so fake..then why do we visit it several times a day, why is it the first website programmed into our heads to type into the address bar? I believe its for two reasons. One is because people are genuinely interested in what they're friends are doing (though some more than others). The other is that in some way we're in love with the ideal, the control. We all know the harsh realities of life, even the harsh realities of looking in the mirror. We all know that we're not exactly who we want to be in some aspect. Facebook takes that away. It portrays the topics, the fun loving social girl with 1000 friends from different locations. It glamorizes and glorifies that girl. But it doesn't show the details behind the topic, the insecurities that girl feels. That the reason shes so outgoing and has so many friends and people around her all the time is to distract her from her insecurities, that she really doesn't feel as attractive as all her friends tell her she is. No facebook doesn't show us that. It doesn't show us the tears. Afterall that's why we're all smiling in our photos. Because we don't want to see tears in our fantasy world, in our ideal. Hell we all see enough of them, cry enough of them even. I suppse a fake ideal is a sense. Its therapeutic, its an escape from reality. The only real question is...

can you log out?..


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dope Man

Jay has a song on Vol 3 entitled 'Dope Man.' I was really listening to it and heard some lyrics that moved me. They are as follows:

Right hand on the Bible, left hand in the air
Before I spoke one word, made sure my throat was clear
A-hem, I'm a prisoner of circumstance
Frail nigga, I couldn't much work with my hands
But my mind was strong, I grew where you hold your blacks up
Trap us, expect us not to pick gats up
Where you drop your cracks off by the Mack trucks
Destroy our dreams of lawyers and actors
Keep us spiralin, goin backwards
At age nine, saw my first hate crime
Blindfolded, expected to walk a straight line
Mind molded, taught to love you and hate mine
Climbed over it, at a early age, Jay shined
Fuck the system at Lady Justice I blaze nine
Your Honor, I no longer kill my people, I raise mine
The soul of Mumia in this modern day time

With all due respect I believe anyone who denies the existence of this is whom he's referring to.

Peter Pan

Today was ok, i didnt do what i planned to and im a bit disappointed, I went shopping and got everything i needed so i was pleased with that. About a half hour ago i started feeling extremely depressed. Its because at dinner i was eating Mahi Mahi, brockli, and salad while 3/4 things on my sisters plate were from the frozen food isle. My mom and I always tell her to monitor the types of food she consumes but shes 9 and doesnt really give a damn. It later dawned on me that i miss that. I miss the thoughts and beliefs of youth. I miss eating any food without knowing or caring about the effects it has on your body. I miss feeling like my parents room on the other end of the hall was a mile away. I miss feeling like i could get lost in my house. I miss being able to hide in just the right closet and knowing that no one would be able to find me. I miss when the consequences for wrong doing were going to bed early without desert. I miss looking up to my parents. I miss when they were the smartest people on earth, when they were the standard of truth, back when they had the answer to all my questions. I miss when my sister was a baby who spoke broken English and the worst thing she could do was mistakenly walk into the edge of a table. I miss how powerful i felt when i was the biggest kid in my grade. I miss not knowing the importance of making distinguished honor roll every quarter for 5 years. I miss when i thought there was some man in the sky who was always watching over me. I miss the support i got from my family when i told them i wanted to be a pro football player and go to Harvard. I miss having no concern about my appearance. I miss when i was still judged by whether or not i had the current game system. I miss how angry i got when losing to my dad in videogames. I miss when the pretend world my childhood friends and i created actually existed. i miss having to come inside when it got dark, quickly eating dinner and begging to go back outside. I miss the contests of who could catch the most fireflies in the summer, and who could build the best snow fort in the winter. I miss believing my dad was superman and my mother was an angel. I miss 3 different Christmases in one day, two different birthday celebrations on my birthday. I miss when pro athletes were heroes, I miss when i thought politicians fought only for good. I miss believing in a higher power. I miss not knowing what corruption was. I miss when i wasnt allowed to watch the news. I miss when drugs scared me. I miss recess. I miss believing i could be president. I miss not being stereotyped. I miss when every adult would smile at me when they passed. I miss being afraid of the dark. I miss when my mom or dad used to lay in bed with me until i fell asleep. I miss my berenstain bears books. I miss Lego's. I miss when they told me i was special, that i was different. I miss thinking i would always be a kid. I miss never being sad. I miss when the world seemed 10x's its actual side. I miss when going to the doctor or the dentist was fun because i knew i would be rewarded candy. I miss not caring about girls. I miss not knowing what poverty was. I miss not seeing color. I miss sneaking to watch Yo MTV Raps & R rated movies with the volume close to silent when my parents were upstairs. I miss not having a sexual appetite. I miss when life was simple, carefree,

I miss being innocent...

Peter had it figured out...

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The Slowest Form of Suicide

Havent written in a while and i was wondering why. I recognized that it was because i havent been going out much. I spent about two weeks in my house without doing anything social, a small hibernation you could call it. Especially for me because ive gone out just about every weekend for four months. It was nice to have my feet on solid ground for a while i will admit. I appreciated the time away. But back to the topic. This is going to be personal.

The slowest form of suicide: Love.

I believe Ive mastered the ins and outs of all emotions/feelings except love. I believe this is because all other emotions/feelings are logically based. Meaning in sound mind one can distinguish the reasoning behind someone feeling angry, sad happy etc. But love is different, its more intricate. It can make you laugh and cry, its the only (im just going to call it "thing" because i dont know what to classify it as) thing ive seen change people not simply on the surface but alter their very core and change who they are at the source. Now what scares me about love is that something this powerful isnt controlled by either party. You have no say in who you fall in love with. Love chooses you, and once it has, its power renders you powerless. This is the precipice ive reached. Ive been involved with a girl for a little, nothings on paper. But every time i spend time with her she reveals qualities i wasnt aware were important to me. Qualities that make her very attractive to me. With her theres no doubt of authenticity. She has a sense of innocence, which is amplified by kindness. yet when the time is right she frees herself of her inhibitions. She doesnt do so in the presence of everyone she meets, which reveals to me that she trusts me. Since she's willing to reveal a side of which all arent aware it is effortless for me to reciprocate my true self to her. I trust her entirely i would loan her any of my prized possessions because i believe she'd recognize how important they were and treat them accordingly. My true personality has recently emerged, therfore she sees me for who i am. She has no preconceived notions about me, she's unaware of the mistakes ive made along my evolutionary road. She only sees my present and my future and she accepts both completely. She told me she admires the very traits ive been working to develop, the things that make me unique. No one has ever told me theyve admired me Ive been complimented on my looks, my vocabulary, my fashion sense. Those are important to her, but she recognizes theres more to me than those. She told me she appreciates the way I view the world, my general outlook on life, the way i rationalize certain aspects of life that others fail to. I feel each time im with her no matter the duration of the exchange, the rate she absorbs an additional piece of my personality and tendencies are 100% efficient. No word or statement is deemed insignificant. If i say something in good fun but she doesnt recognize the underlying message, the very next time i say something similar she comprehends it entirely. If we're in the car and a song i begin to sing along with comes on, she gains a better idea of my taste and puts on a song she believes ill enjoy similar to the one that proceeded it. She has yet to be incorrect. We mesh well together. She prefers not to say things blatantly, thus she'll release a seemingly small statement with a larger idea behind it because she recognizes the deapth of my speech analysis and that ill recognize the grand idea behind the smaller statement. Ive never had this kind of experience with a girl. Ive been with girls i wasnt certain i liked and others whom i did yet at a lesser degree than i anticipated. I searched to find ideosyncracies i dislike and focus solely on them. Ive began to stop doing so. Ive reluctantly done it with her, though my search for flaws has been unsuccessful. Im completely satisfied. Shes entirely good, she wouldnt hurt anything or anyone intentionally. The only negative aspect lies within me. Someone who ive rightfully conveyed to be close to perfect for me, deserves the best me everyday, without fail. And im not there yet. Ive improved immensely but im not finished. Im not entirely myself yet, im close, i can feel it more and more each day but im not there yet. I refuse to present her with anything other than my maximum potential. Presenting anything otherwise would be disrespectful. We feel rather strongly for each other, and i dont think its right for me to make her wait for finish becoming me. However, I wonder, what if she's what i need to bring me to that finish line? Ive made this transformation solely thus far. What if a companion is needed to help me finish the journey. Hell i said i trust her and i do. Our experiences are unlike anything ive ever had with anyone. If a companion, a partner, is necessary then shes is that. I dont know if im in love with her, but im certain i love her. Ive shared jokes, secrets, memories, realizations, tears and laughs with her.

So if this is the slowest form of suicide...I'll still die laughing.

It'll find you